Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
Just had my first american. He tasted like freedom.
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
So vagazzling was a success
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
Omfg 7 hour sex session who am I?
PS: I think I'm in love
Ability to walk tomorrow tbd
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