So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
How bad was it?
Stopped drinking Sunday, hungover on Tuesday bad.
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
Well when we Get drunk it gets rowdy. We could always attempt self-control. But historically and statistically speaking, we fail at that.
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
Randomize
