the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
And then I have a slight inkling that I went up to the bar and tried to order the bartender.
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme
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i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
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