I smell stomach acid.
im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes
At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
I'm a girl who met my last three bfs in gay clubs. Think I'm doing something wrong?
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
Randomize
