a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
I may have been to starbucks and 2 classes with balls still written on my face...
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
Or maybe I'll just keep introducing myself like, hello, they call me iane because I need the D. Applications are submitted online, women need not apply.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
I've started recycling nudes. Why should I take new pictures for every single man?
Randomize
