I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
how the fuck is Katelyn 5'1" and 85 lbs and she tackled a bouncer to the ground?
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
Me and Phil are just drawing pictures of thumbs in different costumes during lecture. I love being a senior.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
HELP A SISTER OUT. AND KEEP YOUR TONGUE OUT OF THE HUMMUS.
TOO HIGH TO FIGURE THIS SHIT OUT
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
Also, I'm going to TRY and be casual this weekend, but really, we need to be serious about equally dividing our time between party and bullshit.
Is it just me or does the sex still keep getting better? I wasn't crying, my eyes just watered from how hard I was cumming.
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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