if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
searching my car for your cum before I have to give my grandma a ride to the airport. Thanks for this
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
I still have the video of you three making soup in my kitchen and asking random people for permission DURING the party, not after like usually
Don't remember, didn't happen
I HAVE THE VIDEO YOU DICK IT HAPPENED
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
Randomize
