Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
Hook ups at LEGOLAND don't count right?
Are we playing inappropriate sexual encounters bingo?
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
Randomize
