Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
i cant finish this easy-mac because i need it for a chaser.
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
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