Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
I know it should be off bounds, but can this be the chick we all sleep with at some point? I can write it off as drunken mistake, you all just have to come up with equally good excuses
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
Randomize
