I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
And then I'm going to yell into her vagina and see if it echoes
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
he matches the description of mystery hookup #2, 4, and 7
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
Randomize
