I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
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I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
You think posting ushers "let it burn" video on his fb page is in bad taste? haha
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
She just causally held my limp dick in her hand the entire movie. Her parents were cuddling on the couch too..that brave!
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
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