Jerry, you need to find god
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
Well i think matt shit his pants so ill mark that as a W
Just high enough for therapy.
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
Randomize
