He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
Randomize
