whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
I'm just a little drunk right now and I have to work at 3
Omg sara
I ran out of milk and it's hot and I was thirsty
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
Randomize
