You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
this just proves how much faith i have in "us".. what should we be for halloween..?
she's traveling up the coast with her camera and a stash of pot cookies eating food from different campuses. said she slept in a closet 2 states away last nite... of course I'm interested
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
Please don't give away my fajitas
Randomize
