I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
Next test. Underwater blowjob. If you fail...out of water blow job
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
Do u believe in the possibility of big foot?
You high??
Randomize
