Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
It's getting harder and harder to find People to carry her home
She shouldn't drink
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
did you just send me my own nude
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
Randomize
