She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
See! Theres potential!
Oh yeah. All good relationships start with a threesome.
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
He's stripped out of his boxers and is dancing and slapping his dick with string cheese...I don't know whether to call for help or take a video.
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
Randomize
