Whssdazt areerg yiu up to? U thijk ur lame!
read your last text- its a foreign language-im not ignoring you, easyyy
Should I tell Kevin that my finger was in his sister's ass last night?
you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
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