Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
Dont have access to internet. masturbating to shake weight commercial.
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
Randomize
