four loko is apparently banned in the us. so i think its time for us to stock up. i already emailed them about buying them in bulk
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
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