So my shaver died while I was trimming...ya know. And now it is half way done. I don't think there's currently any aesthetic in keeping it this way...
I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
fair enough.
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
lets start a news segment called WHY IS LEOS CROTCH BURNING TODAY
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize
