wanna go halves on a baby?
College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
and my herpes radar will keep us safe
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
apparently there was a flour fight and couch sex...
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
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