I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
Just to an Octoberfest and a sex party. Nothing wild.
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
You laid on the floor and pet their rug. and then demanded Voss water.
Randomize
