I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
This baby is an asshole
There were four people in the car. The girls sure know how to blow. I think we almost crashed when the driver climaxed.
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
Randomize
