If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
I needed a test subject that didn't know any of my friends so that if i screwed up no one would really know or spread rumours about how it was the worst bj ever
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
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