my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
You shouted “im bobby labonte!” In the process of shoutgunning a beer. He said you were too redneck for him...
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
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