I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
Yelling back at the people on Jerry springer through the TV, and eventually punching it. Failure of a night.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
Randomize
