Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
its was like we drinking an entire bottle of mystery
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
I hate csi yet I find myself watching a full marathon. I am also eating hotdog buns stuffed with barbecue chips and they are quite tasty
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
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