Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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