just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
Tonights mission: get trashed, smoke a bowl on top of the silo, get some dick. Not necessarily in that order.
Randomize
