call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
well apperantly i passed out on the stairs shouting "victory".
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
I'd probably lick every tooth in Carly Rae Jepson's fucking mouth.
Teen Choice Awards are on if your wondering.
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
Randomize
