I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
You got kicked out after 30 minutes, 3 beers and 2 shots. Group record. Also you kept rubbing his belly and calling him buddha.
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
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