Do you ever make guys send you dick pictures just cause it's hilarious?
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
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