marko just referred to some fat asian and a portly friend as Jupiter and one of its moons. unreal. hyte!
We won't sleep together?
I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
The walls are thin & apartments are narrow so all the bedrooms are next to each other. Our complex could compete in synchronized orgasms.
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
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