your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
Randomize