Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
And after we debated politics. My dream come true: naked, just got done having great sex with a hot mixed guy, talking about why social welfare programs are a bad idea
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
he sent me a picture of him holding out his pinky so we could pinky promise. i have to fuck him now
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
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