we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
in my lab write-up should i mention that i watered my plant with tequila?
Needless to say they were not happy to find out that we braided their hair together, when one of them woke up needing to puke bad
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
I was just sitting on the ground alone in fetal position shivering and chewing on my hand when she found me. ecstasy was not my best idea.
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
Just introduced myself to a group of people and one dude said "You're Marc!? I've heard many a legend of you." I raised bottle of champagne, said cheers, and drank with them.
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
Randomize
