covered in glitter, my cheek hurts, and theres a handprint on my face. Would i do it again. Absolutly
why do they call them blowjobs? ....unless i'm doing it wrong?
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
He texted me for drugs this time. Not sex. I dunno if I should be pleased it's not sex or disappointed that I come across as a druggie
Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
Randomize
