got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
I feel kinda awkward using the Sesame Street themed Google to search for hot young pussy...
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
I cried and ate like 6 tacos in the taco bell parking lot at almost midnight, sober, alone, listening to a demi lavato cd. And that was the good part.
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
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