Singing into hair straightener during spice girls....sooo dangerous
he told me that if i wanted to smoke he could make a piece out of my shoe. were keeking this kid around
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
orgasmnado...tomorrow night
That's what I'm talking about
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
sometime during the night he found me in the empty hotttub singing marvins room in only my bra.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
Randomize
