I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Randomize
