Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Randomize