I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
We had sex in the ocean but the tide took our clothes away too. Its no fun walking back to the dorm wearing only a beach blanket between you.
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
Gotcha. How bad is it?
Well to compare it to something I would say it what's that walls would like inside the primate exhibit at the zoo after a group of monkeys finished throwing feces at each other all afternoon
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
Randomize
