I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
You'd love her. She's outspoken like us. And appreciates a big penis and a strong drink.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
blue gatorade loses no color upon regurgitation
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
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