I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
Nothing on google about my condom issue. However, if you get a chance google: condom with teeth.
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
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