Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
she uses ice cubes and hums anything I want. Last night was Welcome to the jungle. it wasnt lost on me shes a puma. no shame in that 30+ game.
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
Randomize
