Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
so my mom told me to suck on something if I have to cough. so I guess blow jobs are ok
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
Randomize
