I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
I agree though, his intact virginity is truly the tragedy of the century.
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
Randomize
