a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
I'll answer your question with a question: Are you gonna be too high?
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
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