A freshman just woke up on our back pourch... He swears there was a party here last night but we didn't have one
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
Ugh, I should just give up, and fuck him in a parking lot, and shave my head and walk naked through the streets of King's Landing.
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
You took nana to a bar?!
she suggested it
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