I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
He didn't know it yet but he was about to go down on me.
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
I figured that I'd start organizing the places ive given head. I'll add treehouse right after bandroom
You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Randomize
