Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
ashley and jimmy are about to have sex on degrassi.... EVERYONES GETTING LAID BUT ME
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
Only thig bad about that muscular chick from the gym is she liked it so rough I had to bust out a few wrestling moves from highschool
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Randomize
